The Long Weekend

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Luke R Dec 9, 2017 I'm a pretty big fan of director Jamie Blanks, but Long Weekend didn't really do it for me. Neither lead is redeemable, which, to be fair, is sort of the impetus for the horror in this horror movie, but still, it makes it hard to attach yourself when said leads are the only characters on screen for 99% of the movie. One star for Long Weekend itself, and then a whole extra star just for the sea-life. See more

Han R Feb 3, 2017 I've never once been married and I turn 29 in eight days. Yikes, amirite? Seriously though, I imagine being married isn't easy, even if you're in a marriage that has been together, happily, for a relatively long period of time. Spending all your time with the same person, getting to know all their little personality quirks that you might not have been aware of prior to the marriage itself. It's why I'm somewhat opposed to the concept. That's not saying I wouldn't do it, but I just mean that I wouldn't just rush into it with the first woman that says yes. All marriages argue and go through tough times where it seems like they might get a divorce. Some marriages get through it and others crumble under it and they part completely hating one another. The latter is what the story in this movie is about. A married couple, obviously struggling, go spend the long weekend, which is the title of the film this one is a remake of, in the wilderness next to a beach with another couple to, hopefully, fix what is broken. It doesn't work, of course, and the marriage keeps deteriorating as the film moves along. But, first things first, there's a reason the movie's called Nature's Grave. And that is because this is an environmental horror movie as it were. On the journey to beach, Peter runs over a kangaroo, starts a fire when he throws out a lit cigarette. It only gets worse once the couple reaches their destination, where their destruction of the natural environment cause Mother Nature, the villain (or heroine in this case) to fight back against these assholes and the damage they have done. I can't even begin to type out what these people actually do, but let's just say that Mother Nature is fucking pissed. I call Mother Nature the heroine of the movie because I couldn't possibly have hated two characters more than I hated Peter and Carla. These people are absolutely fucking insufferable. The movie tries to portray a marriage that is slowly falling apart at the seams while Mother Nature turns against them. And there's nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Like I said earlier, married couples argue...a lot. Sometimes the man is being unreasonable. Sometimes the woman is unreasonable. There's no way that you can't take that concept and at least give the characters some sort of sympathetic qualities. Just because they're arguing for, like, 95% of the movie does not mean that you can't make them into characters that, even at their most unreasonable, you can sympathize with. It's possible to make characters whose point of view you can actually understand. It's not a Herculean feat, but this movie completely misses the mark when it comes to telling a good or, really, even remotely interesting story about a marriage falling apart. Not to mention the fact that the movie is just poorly scripted. It hits all the cliches of a marriage falling apart you've ever seen. Cheating, miscarriage, lack of sex. You know, the usual bullshit. And, again, there's no problem with that whatsoever, but it just uses these topics so haphazardly. It's not an actual story, it's just a series of arguments, not tied to one another in any particularly way, held, barely, together by the narrative of Mother Nature fighting back against those that would do harm to her. That would be a good idea if the deaths in the movie were even remotely satisfying. Well, Peter's death, he gets run over by a fucking truck, is fairly gruesome. That's literally the only thing about the movie I liked. The acting is fine, but there's some real goofiness involved here that just led me to not take anything these people said seriously. And, really, Jim Caviezel is really bad in some scenes here. Jim has never been the best actor, surely, but I thought he was a little bit better than what he showed here. Maybe he couldn't have given two fucks about this and he just mailed the performance in. Perhaps I'm not being fair, because there are scenes where Jim and Claudia Karvan, who plays Carla, really bring the hate. And those are some of the best scenes in the entire movie. I know it seems as if I'm contradicting myself, since I said that Peter and Carla are insufferable assholes, but I'm taking the acting completely out of context here. I'm looking at just the performances and not the actual content of the characters. Because, as I mentioned, they are fucking insufferable. I don't know if you got the message, but I thought this movie was really fucking bad. Poorly thought-out, edited and written. The only saving grace are the leads and they're not that great even then. I can't imagine why anyone would ever watch this. I can see how someone might enjoy it IF they decide to watch it. But WHY would they decide to watch it is my question. I guess I should ask myself that. I'll spend the next couple of hours reflecting on my actions. With that said, don't watch this, it's a piss-poor movie. See more

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The Long Weekend

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